Acceptance? Anger? Withdrawal?
Throughout most of my recent medical nightmare or journey, I've somehow managed to remain positive and accept the process and things that occurred (even though I may have lacked respect for some of the decisions made by the doctors) Even during recovery I found myself convincing my mum that I was alright to prevent her from freaking out.
Seven weeks later, having come off, what feels like, a year's course of steroids I'm starting to feel the irritation. Until now I gave myself no choice but to stay upbeat in order to recover and regain strength (plus it did hurt a lot when I tried to cry). Now, although I may still not be 100%, I probably look similar to how I did pre-op having gained weight and the ability to walk again. I can't help but have moments of feeling extremely annoyed at my situation. When I say that I'm fully aware that there are other much worse off living under very difficult circumstances.
I guess having the time to think and look at myself probably isn't the best thing for me right now. I'm also quite mindful that part of this is the steroid withdrawal, at least I hope it is! Along with 'low mood' I see the effects of dehydration on my skin. Ahhh!
I'm lucky to have so many people offer a listening ear, but I feel so bad complaining about things when I'm very aware that even being in another country right now would have made things a million times harder for me.
Some days I feel like I've been stitched up, some days I'm grateful, somedays I don't want to think about it at all.